What comes to my mind when I think of church?
#1 It sucks ass.
#2 Its boring.
#3 All women there are either horribly fat or future sluts in the making.
#4 The place where everyone goes to complain about all their problems, cause they feel their more important than everybody else, cause you losing a boyfriend is more important then the deaths of a few thousand people in other countries.
(Last but not least.)
#5 The right place to go when you want to hear a bunch of bullshit excuses used to justify their own faith and put the other faiths down, even though their all the same as the others.
Hardy Boy, why are you talking about church? Well I happened to be invited to go to a church, which was a complete waste of time, for the fact that I could have stayed home and done 1 of 3 sinful deeds, Watch porn, play Xbox or get trashed and belligerently harass my neighbors, who all happen to hate me.
As I make my arrival to the destination, I think to myself: "this is gonna be some boring shit" anyways I decide to enter, while entering the Temple of the "Holy Lord", I proceed to turn off my Ipod to avoid anybody telling me to turn off my Ipod and pissing me off more than I was , but it so happens that I'am just past the front door and already this old bastard who obviously has it out for me, has the nerve to ask for my name, right there I wanted to punch him in the mouth, so I punched him in the mouth, I was already pissed and there's no better way to blow off steam then punching some old guy square in the mouth, so after socking the old guy I felt a bit better, so I took my seat.
The first thing I notice is this kid (which I presume was about 9 years old) standing on the altar with the same stupid "Help me I'am lost" look children always have on their face, right there I knew he was going to do something stupid, the priest (dressed in what seemed to be a very nice tuxedo that's worth a pretty penny) explains this little boy is gonna sing a song, at this point I didn't think much of it, but then for some reason I wanted to bash my own head against the wall, I wondered why, then I realized it was that he had been singing, this little bastard is naturally terrible, but he had more flow then Lil' Wayne, cause to be worse then Lil' Wayne is saying you should either just kill yourself or pray to God that you get in a car accident and hope you get diagnosed with a severe case of mental retardation, cause I promise you, you're not going anywhere in life, and that's also the only way everybody will feel sorry for you, except for me obviously. So anyways, I quickly decide to turn on my Ipod, and you're not going to believe this the battery is dead, so I had to put up with 5 minutes of severe mental torture, along with the stupid crowd clapping at his pathetic performance, but somehow I still managed to cling on to what was left of my sanity.
After that bastards catastrophic attempt at singing, this looser with nothing better to do with his life starts preaching that God created the perfect immune system, and at that instant my bullshit detector went off, yeah buddy he created the perfect immune system that doesn't do anything to fight against HIV and AIDS, thanks alot asshole, FUCK YOU.
Then the old guy I punched in the mouth earlier goes up to the altar with a busted lip( I couldn't help but laugh at him)and he starts talking about how his dumb ass didn't have a job for a year and by being lazy some how still had money to pay for everything, but then he decided to get a job, and magically all the money he spent when he didn't have a job came back in one check and the greedy bastard kept the check to himself...So what's up asshole? What about Haiti or Chile? Did you forget about them? (not that I care for them, I would have kept it, but in my case but I deserve it) If that bullshit story really happened and I was the old guy, I wouldn't have gotten a job, cause I'am a bad ass and I happen to know the standard procedures of being lazy.
The Chosen One, The Televangelist and The Bullshitter, also known as The Preacher/Pastor or what ever you call him regardless their all the same, with the ridiculous plan that actually works, he cons people(mostly women) by telling bullshit stories to retards that have nothing better to do, but believe his garbage, by "explaining" to these tools that he's special and God has "chosen him" to tell everyone that he and God both want to be in the green. Wait be in the green!?!?!? Holy fucking shit batman!!! I didn't know God needed money, but for what could it be? Wait a tick! I'am such a fucking idiot, I know why God needs money! He needs money to pay Mercenaries AKA Missionaries, to go on ridiculous missions to Somalia and Haiti, give them low budget oatmeal and explain to them that the reason were all screwed in this world is because a talking snake manipulated a woman, that makes perfect sense!! You also can't forget he needs money to pay his angels to do his dastardly deeds and maintain his crib up in the clouds "DAWG"!!
Fun Fact #1
The only things that makes sense in the bible is the part where the woman fucks everything up in paradise, where it says they should treated like property and should be beat when they act stupid, cause all they do is fuck everything up.
Fun Fact #2
The rich and powerful pimp, also know as "God" does work in mysteriously retarded ways!! Hmm thinking about it he seems pretty proficient in the ways of pimping his Ho's.
God= Pimp
Televangelist= Ho
God pimps his Televangelist, to get that MONEY! Like a real pimp would do in the hood.
"Pimping ain't easy"
-God
People giving the money? Yes everyone gave money to these con artists, except me, I'am diesel, I don't need to give money to some douche bag to feel good about myself. I felt like gathering everybody in one single file line so I could commence bashing their foreheads one by one against the floor to hopefully smash some sense in their head.
Why not take a Vacation to Haiti? Yes the preacher had the nerve to tell everyone to take a vacation to Haiti, I thought he was making a vulgar joke and when someone makes a vulgar joke you laugh, so I bust out laughing, then I noticed I was the only one laughing and everybody was looking at me the wrong the way, at that moment I realized he was serious, so I went into a mad rage, punched an old lady in the eye, kicked over this cheap excuse for a fountain of holy water, told everyone to suck it (courtesy of Degeneration X), walked myself to the bathroom took a nice dump and didn't flush, I went out like a champ.
Conclusion, there's not really even a conclusion, it was a waste of time the only thing worth the trip was taking a crap, and even that was boring.
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